COMICS - 34

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(34)
Ajit: What do racoons eat?
Raghu: They eat anything they find.
Ajit: But what if they can not find anything?
Raghu: Then they eat something else.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


(33)
Shreyas: Deepak, I went to the zoo yesterday.
Deepak: Did you? i was too.
Shreyas: Really, in which cage?

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(32)
Teacher : Damu, if a man buys an article for Rs. 11.60 and sells it for Rs. 9.80 does he gain or lose?
Damu : Sir, he gains on the paise but loses on rupee
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(31)
Patient: Doctor Saheb, how can I eer pay for your kindness?
Doctor: By cheque or cash.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(30)
Teacher: John, if you were in a forest and you saw a tiger coming towards you, what steps will you take?
John: The logest steps I could, sir.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(29)
The huseband came home from office and found the house in utter chaos. He asked his wife:
What has happened? The wife replied helplessly: You are always wondering what I do all day at home. Well, here it is. I did not do anything. Everything has been looted.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(28)
Police Inspector : On what grounds did you attempt this muder?
Accused : On the 5th floor, sir.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(27)
Patient : Sister, will the doctor stitch up the wound nicely?
Nurse : Don't worry. He was a tailor before this.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(26)
Sonu: Dev, how die you get that swelling on your nose?
Dev: I got it by smelling a brose.
Sonu: But there is no 'b' in rose.
Dev: But there was one in this.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(25)
Son : Dad, Where is the Himalayas?
Father ( absentmindedly): I do not know. Ask your mother. She is always in the habit of keeping things here and there.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(24)
Lady (to the servant): Use this new detergent powder to wash the clothes.
Servant : I don't know how to use it. Madam.
Lady: ust read the instructions printed on the packet and follow them carefull.
After some time--
Lady: What are you doing?
Servant : Madam, it is written here that the detergent has to be dissolved in half a bucket of water. So i am cutting this but into half. It is a difficult job, you know.


------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(23)
Control tower (to pilot): Pleast report your height and position.

Pilot : I am 5ft 11 inches and I am in the cockpit.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(22)

Reporter (to a boy): What made you risk your life to save your friend from drowning in the river?

Boy: I had to do it because he was wearing my costly jacket.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(21)
Sonu :- Dev, how did you get that swelling on your nose?

Dev :- I got it by smelling a brose.

Sonu :- But there is no 'b' in rose.


Dev:- But there was one in this.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(20)

Son:- Dad, where is the Himalayas?

Father (absentmindedly): I do not know. Ask your mother. She is always in the habit of keeping things here and there.


------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(19)

A Traveller was on a long journey. One night he found himself sharing a room with a stranger in a small hotel. He had a feeling that the stranger would try to rob his money while he was sleeping. So when the man went out, he kept his money in a particular place. He was sure it would be safe there and went to sleep. Next morning the traveller and the stranger were about to leave and go in different ways. At that time the stranger confessed that he was a robber. He said, " I was sure you were carrying a large sum of money and I instead to rob it but though I searched your luggage I could not find it. Where did you hide it? " It was right under your pillow", the traveller replied with a smile.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(18)
Hereditary problem::--

A doctor advised, " I cannot do anything for your problem - it is hereditary".

" Then send the bill to my father!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(17)
By just crying

Mother: “Won’t it be nice when baby brother starts to talk?”

Rajesh: (rather jealous) :”What does he want to talk for? He gets everything he wants by just crying!”
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(16)
Stops the minute you call me, Sir!

Teacher: “Suresh, what is a brain?”
Suresh: “ Something that starts working as soon as I get up in the morning and stops the minute you call me, Sir”.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(15)
Who is the head of the family?

(A policeman broke in to a house where a fight was going on.)

Policeman : “ Who is the head of the family?”
Woman : “That is what we are trying to settle it now”
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(14)
Both of us are ashamed

The employer was talking with his new employee to whom he was paying only a small salary. “ Your monthly salary is a very personal matter. Hence, as far as possible do not reveal it to anyone. “
“ I would not dream of telling it to any one, Sir”, retorted the young employee. “ I am as much ashamed of it as you are”.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(13)
Is it necessary?

Doctor : “Could you pay for the operation if I thought it was necessary?”

Patient : “ Would you find it necessary if I could not pay for it ?”

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(12)
Rules to estimate cost of living

" Do you know any reliable rule to estimate the cost of living?"

"Yes. Take your income whatever that may be and add twenty per cent".

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(11)
18 years younger

A clerk asked the old office peon, " How is it that you have a black moustache but grey hair on your head?"

" My dear sir, the hair of my moustache is 18 years younger than the hair on my head", came the prompt reply.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(10)
My first job

Thief: Hands up or else
David: Or else what?
Thief: Don't get me confisued. This is my first job.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(9)
A good kick to the bucket

"Why do you come with an empty bucket? You should have got milk from the cow", the farmer asked his servant.

"Of course, she gave four litres of milk and a good kick to the bucket."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(8)
Homework for father

Teacher: How old is your father?

Raju: Thirty-Eight, sir.

Teacher : Well, I must give you homework more suited to his age.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(7)
One out of every ten

Visitor: How many people work here?

Employer: Oh, one out of every ten.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(6)
Lost sight of land

Passanger : I am unlucky. Wherever i go to sea i lost something.

Captain of the ship : What have you lost, sir?

Passenger : I ha ve just lost sight of land.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(5)
One hundred and four months.

"What is your age?" asked the judge, "Ramember you are under oath".

Tenty-one yars and some months", answered the woman "How many months?" insisted the judge.

"One hundred and four".

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(4)
Why ? What happened?

The new stenographer arrived late for work. Her boss was wild with anger. He said, "You should have come here at nine!" She asked, "Why? What happened?"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(3)
God! You are all-wise

One hold day, Nasruddin was relaxing in the shade of a walnut tree. He looked at the huge pumpkins growing on the tiny plants and the small walnuts growing on the majestic tree.

"Sometimes I just cannot understand the ways of God!" he thought, "He lets tiny walnuts grow on so majestic a tree and huge pumpkins grow on wuch delicate plants!"

Just then a walnut snapped off and fell on mullah Nasruddin's bald head. He got up at once and lifting up his hand and face towards heaven, he said:

"Oh, my God! Forgive me for questioning your ways! You are all-wise. Where would i have been now, if pubmkins grew on trees!"....

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(2)
53 house calls

The girl had just broken off her engagement with the young doctor.

"Do you mean to tell me", exclaimed her girl friend, "that he actually asked you to return all his presents?"

"Not only that", she replied, " he sent me a bill for 53 house calls".

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(1)
I failed

"Hey, dad ! If i save you Hundred rupees would you give me Fifty Rupees?"

"Sure, I would, Son".

"Well, i saved it for you. You told me you would give me Hundred rupees if i passed my Chemistry test, and I failed".

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Change Yourself First...Swamy Vivekananda...

We have seen that it is the subjective world that rules the objective.  Change the subject, and the object is bound to change; purify yourself, and the world is bound to be purified.  This one thing requires to be taught now more than ever before.  This one thing requires to be taught now more than ever before.  We are becoming more and more busy about our neighbours, and less and less about ourselves.  The world will change if we change; if we are pure, the world will become pure.  The question is why I should see evil in others.  I cannot see evil unless I be evil.  I cannot be miserable unless I am weak.  Things that used to make me miserable when I was a child, do not do so now.  The subject changed, so the object was bound to change; so says the Vedanta.

***

Thus the man that has practiced control over himself cannot be acted upon by anything outside; there is no more slavery for him.  His mind has become free.  Such a man alone is fit to live well in the world.  We generally find men holding two opinions regarding the world.  Some are pessimists and say, "How horrible this world is, how wicked!"  Some others are optimists and say, "How beautiful this world is, how wonderful!"  To those who have not controlled their own minds, the world is either full of evil or at best a mixture of good and evil.  This very world will become to us an optimistic world when we become masters of our own minds.  Nothing will then work upon us a good or evil; we shall find everything to be in its proper place, to be harmonious.

***

The more we grow in love and virtue and holiness, the more we see love and virtue and holiness outside.  All condemnation of others really condemns ourselves.  Adjust the microcosm (which is in your power to do) and the macrocosm will adjust itself for you.  It is like the hydrostatic paradox, one drop of water can balance the universe.  We cannot see outside what we are not inside.  The universe is to us what the huge engine is to the miniature engine; and indication of any error in the tiny engine leads us to imagine trouble in the huge one.

***
Every step that has been really gained in the world has been gained by love; criticising can never do any good, it has been tried for thousands of years.  Condemnation accomplishes nothing.

**************

Why Silly?.....

Why do you think this fellow is silly?
***
Well, you know that poster in the Railway Station that says, "MAN WANTED FOR ROBBERY IN HYDERABAD".... Yes!
***
Well, he went in and applied for the job.....

Words In Their Contexts...

The ability of a language user lies in using a right word in a right context.  This ability enables one to encode or express ideas in a better way.  To attain this end, one must be able to group together of individual word-meanings or phrase-meanings that generally share the same idea, concept, or semantic area.  They mean the same thing in a general way, but they entail certain key differences.  These differences govern why one word sounds natural or correct in a particular sentence and why another word, apparently close in meaning to the first word, does not sound right.  For example: "Because" in its varied shades is used to explain why something happened, why you did something etc.

***

Because                   out of                   

The reason... is that on acount of 

Because of                as a result of 

Since                        due to

As                            owing to

Through                    seeing as

  Because (conjunction):  She is in a bad mood because her father won't let her go to the party tonight.

  Another meaning -  the reason ..... is that -  It is used when you are explaining something carefully, especially when you've been asked to explain why something happened.

Usage:    The reason we didn't consider you for the job was that you didn't have enough experience.

  The reason we are here this evening is to say 'thank you' to Hari for all his hard work.

BECAUSE OF - (Prep)

Usage :  I had to move because of my job.

  Because of your incompetence we have lost a lot of business.

SINCE :    This meaning is used to introduce the reason why you decide to do something or suggest doing something (conjunction).

Usage: We had planned to play tennis but since it was raining we decided to go swimming instead.

  Since you're going to be in the area anyway, you can pick up the order for me.

AS :   It is used to introduce the reason why a particular situation exists, why someone decides to do something or suggests doing something etc. (conjuction).

Usage :   As he had1 been in prison several times, he was a prime suspect for the case. 

THROUGH:   It is used especially when you want to explain why something has succeeded or why it has failed. (Preposition).

Usage :  We succeeded through sheer hard work.

OUT OF :    Out of curiosity / desperation.  It is used especially when someone has done something they wouldn't usually do (preposition).

Usage:   I came to you out of desperation -  you've to help me.  I think I should like to taste a piece of Octopus, just out of curiosity.

ON ACCOUNT OF  is used when you want to explain the reason for a difficulty, problem, or failur (prep) for example : we had to move to London on account of my job.

I cannot run on account of my asthma.

AS A RESULT OF   is used especially in news reports and public statements to introduce the cause of something that has happened (something unpleasant usually) (prep).

Usage :  Many people are homeless as a result of the civil war.

As a result of adverse weather conditions, all trains will be subjected to delays.

DUE TO   is used especially in official statements to introduce the reason for a difficulty or failure (prep).

Usage :   Our flight was delayed due to a strike by air-traffic controllers.

OWING TO  is also used in official statements to explain why something happened.

Usage :   This is one of the most commonly used metals in modern industry owing to its widespread availability.

SEEING AS is an informal expression which is used especially to talk about a situation that causes you to decide or suggest something that you haven't originally intended.

USAGE :  It was a great idea to go to the cinema but seeing as no one had any money, we couldn't go.

**********

How To Control Our Mind...

*  Mind can be controlled by constant effort to fix it on God.

*  Sit alone and watch the mind and its movements.

*  Be indifferent and unattached.  Remain a witness.  Do not identify yourself with the thoughts.

*  Do not think of the past.  Do not plan for the future.  Live in the present

*  Read spiritual books.  Do meditation regularly.  Participate in satsang.

*  Do help a person in need or suffering.

*  Repetition of a mantra destroys impurities of the mind.

*  Make the mind inward.  In this Kali Yuga, the easiest way for controlling the mind is singing the Lord's name.

*  Food influences the mind.  Take fruits, vegetables and nuts frequently.

*  Practise moderation in diet.  Selfless service with a feeling of unity with everyone is highly effective in purifying the mind.  Do not struggle with the mind.

*  Be regular in your sadhana.

**************