A man in a hotel lobby accidentally bumps a woman in the breast with his elbow. Quite apologetic, he turns to her and says "If your heart is as soft as your breast, you will surely forgive me." She leans up to him and whispers "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."
Monday 24 August 2009
Solitary Confinement Woes
Three guys are convicted of
a very serious crime, and they're all sentenced to twenty years in solitary confinement.They're each allowed one thing to bring into the cell with them. The first guy asks for a big stack of books. The second guy asks for his wife. And the third guy asks for two hundred cartons of cigarettes.
At the end of the twenty years, they open up the first guy's cell. He comes out and says, "I studied so hard. I'm so bright now, I could be a lawyer. It was terrific."
They open up the second guy's door. He comes out with his wife, and they've got five new kids. He says. "It was the greatest thing of my life. My wife and I have never been so close. I have a beautiful new family. I love it."
They open up the third guy's door, and he's slapping at his pockets, going "Anybody got a match?"
Take Off My Clothes
My wife came home the other night and told me to take off her blouse.
Then she told me to take off her skirt.
Then she told me not to wear her clothes anymore.
Then she told me to take off her skirt.
Then she told me not to wear her clothes anymore.
What do you get when you divide ...
What do you get when you divide the circumference of your jack-o-lantern by its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi!
Pumpkin Pi!
Ode to the Perfect Man
The perfect man is gentle
And never cruel or mean.
He has a perfect smile
And is always neat and clean.
The perfect man likes kids
And will raise them by your side.
He will be a caring father,
And good husband to his bride.
The perfect man loves cooking.
He will clean and vacuum, too.
He'll do what's in his power
To show his love for you.
The perfect man is sweet,
Writing poems with your name.
He's a best friend to your mother
And will kiss away your pain.
He never makes you cry
Nor caused you hurt in any way.
To hell with this endless poem --
The perfect man is gay.
And never cruel or mean.
He has a perfect smile
And is always neat and clean.
The perfect man likes kids
And will raise them by your side.
He will be a caring father,
And good husband to his bride.
The perfect man loves cooking.
He will clean and vacuum, too.
He'll do what's in his power
To show his love for you.
The perfect man is sweet,
Writing poems with your name.
He's a best friend to your mother
And will kiss away your pain.
He never makes you cry
Nor caused you hurt in any way.
To hell with this endless poem --
The perfect man is gay.
Men vs. Women: Round 1
NICKNAMES
If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose.
If Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.
EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.
BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
CATS
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Any married man should forget his mistakes.
There's no use in two people remembering the same thing
Man, Woman, Sleeping Compartment
A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.
After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket."
The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea... just for tonight, let's pretend we're married."
The woman thinks for a moment. "Why not," she giggles.
"Great," he replies, "Get your own damn blanket!"
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